The Biography of Senator Michael Scott
by colonellunchmeat
Summary: All must be interviewed to discuss the life of this great man. "Trump without money? Could get real punny?" We'll see.
1. Chapter 1

Yeah. I never thought I would become a Colorado Senator. It's worked out pretty well, Holly and I go back and forth between DC and our house in Boulder...And now you guys want my story. Wow.

I was born in Wilkes-Barre General Hospital in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. I never met my dad, he died at Guadalcanal, which is weird since I wasn't born until 1970.

There's a nice picture of him on our mantel, and I discovered, weirdly, that Dad's shot must've been popular, as they use it as a model to sell picture frames in the Walgreen's in Scranton.

My first stepfather, Henry had a lot of emotions. I haven't seen him since I was six, but he wrote to me after I went to Washington.

Henry retired as an assistant tree surgeon, and has not been near a Pennsylvania elementary school or day care center in almost a year, and was elected head of his support group. That's character, you don't see it much anymore.

Jeff, my second step-dad, was okay, except he liked to kid me about wearing my Pampers Under-Jams. Jeff wanted Mom to send me to a military academy.

After Jeff transitioned to Jessica, he moved out, too. Jessica and Mom still bond, as Amway representatives now.

School? I was energized for success, and they must've liked me because I did summer classes for second, fifth and ninth grades, though I never quite got out of 12th.

Seven years I was at West Scranton High, but I didn't go there quite long enough to graduate.

After high school, I wanted to perform for "Saturday Night Live" and even got a postcard from Martin Short. He didn't remember me, though, when I got to New York.

When I got back to Scranton, Mom had rented my room out to an ex-Army guy who was selling light bulbs to old people over the phone.

Although I had to bunk at the Salvation Army, Gino-that was Mom's tenant's name-got me a job at the bulb selling place, which was in the back of a privately owned Radio Shack.

The callers were supposed to say they were disabled, and that the light bulb sales would put them through trade school, or something.

I couldn't imagine saying I was disabled, but once a woman with her toddler pointed at me in a bus station (when I was still in New York) and said "that's a special person, dear."

I did pretty well at the phone calls, people seemed to buy the bulbs just to get me to hang up. I have a dynamic personality, but maybe it was an acquired taste?

It's funny, though. In the Big Brother program, I had a lot of Big Brothers between stepfathers, but most of the Big Brothers kept dating my mom. Then they got kicked out of the Big Brother program. One of them though, Creed, was kind of a neat guy.

He'd been sent to Big Brothers to do community service, because when they had him washing police cars, for his service sentence, he kept "borrowing" them. Funny, because Creed was being sentenced for Grand Theft Auto.

I ran into Creed after being fired from a Niemen-Marcus stock job, over this silly joke with the mannequins, never mind. Creed was working for a paper company, Dunder-Mifflin, and told me to come by and interview for a warehouse job.

Ed Truck, the regional manager recognized my voice, because I had sold his great-aunt some of the light bulbs, and he almost HIT me, but then he hired me to sell paper!

That's where my life began, as it were. I was at Dunder-Mifflin for nineteen years, the last fifteen of which I was regional manager myself!

I wonder what the others will say about me-the subordinates, whose lives I changed.

My high school buddy Phyllis Lapin, who said she was amazed that after she'd gotten three degrees, the guy who failed out of her senior year would up being her boss. Of course you're amazed, Phyllis, I'm amazing!

Then there was Tom, in accounting, who told me once that he was desperate to get help for his depression, asked would I take money out of the redecorating fund and give us a better health plan?

He didn't know what he'd do without it, but I needed a new desk...and then Tom hung himself. Or shot...Couldn't even figure out where things might wind up.

I know I'd be cheerful if my boss had some decent furniture in his office, and I'd stuck Wacky Packages stickers all over my old desk. I wish I could say I missed Tom, but I can barely remember him.

Todd Packer. My old partner in crime. We started together. Got arrested at Club Risque in Pennsport our third week working together, shooting rubber bands at the dancer's thighs.

Todd's no longer in paper, he's involved in the men's movement, or something, down in Florida.

Jim and Pam...In some cultures, like where Kelly Kapoor, my customer service girl was from, a couple couldn't get together unless they'd been introduced in an arranged marriage. I was happy to arrange that. Jim and Pam, I mean. Not Kelly. She's probably going to be the oldest of old maids.

I have to go vote on a bill. Shelter-belts in Minnesota or something. Otherwise I could really tell you guys some hair-raising stuff!


	2. Chapter 2

PAM HALPERT WONDERS

Yeah. Senator Scott? God, what a blast from the past, right? Is it true he and President Trump play Lazertag? Yeah. Sounds more like what would happen if Dwight were a Senator. Dwight? Yeah, he worked with...for Senator Scott.

My husband told me that Mic-the Senator asked Robert Reich if he needed a booster seat on CNN or something. Yeah. He has that kind of humor.

Well, I was a receptionist-later salesman and office administrator-for Dunder-Mifflin, the paper company. Michael-the Senator, he hired me.

My fiancée was working downstairs, in the warehouse. We needed money for this marriage that didn't happen. So I worked there for a long time.

Yeah, Michael was kind of a joker. That can be fun, but every day fun is sometimes more of a treat than we felt we...deserved. I mean, he'd attach a second head on his shoulder, paper Mache, or he'd walk around without pants.

Yes, I'm a Democrat, I guess Michael's a Republican, right? I don't think that really had anything to do with it. I mean, we didn't have political tensions. I don't think Michael even knew who was President, then. I think he thought it was Tom Hanks.


	3. Chapter 3

STANLEY HUDSON'S TAKE

On one hand, I can't believe an idiot like Michael Scott could be elected to any office, public school hall monitor, dog catcher, but on the other hand, maybe the Senate is the only place that he could function.

Do you know he called me? Wanted to know if I wanted to work on his staff.

The pay he said was anywhere from seventeen to forty thousand dollars a year. Made more than that when I was a kid with a damn paper route. He needed a connection to urban life, and Darryl had already turned him down. It was either me, or if he could reach Will Smith. He didn't believe that Will and I were not related.

He was a crackerjack salesman, I'll say that. I can't actually imagine why they made Michael manager, or why he took it, since I'm sure he made more with commission. I was probably the second best in the office, me and Dwight.

But he didn't really do any managing. If he'd just stayed in his office, and stopped wandering around bothering people and calling meetings-forty-two crossword books and about twelve Sudokus I went through while he gassed on.

Nothing to do with work, of course. He'd hear someone say something in a conversation, maybe about Troy Aikman, and then he'd be wearing a high school football helmet and dancing around while we were kept prisoner in that stupid conference room.

And of course he caused the divorce from my second wife. Somehow Michael found out about me and my personal trainer-no wait, she was a physical therapist. So how this happened I will never know, but he gets on the phone-never mind.

I was very angry, but now I am retired, living at the beach with my new wife Mei Ling. She doesn't speak a word of English, just rubs my feet, and brings me Mojitos. It's heavenly.


	4. Chapter 4

ERIN'S ALWAYS IN HIS CORNER

I love Senator Michael Scott! He was my mentor, sort of. He wanted to promote me to accounting, but nasty old Oscar wouldn't let him. My husband and I were watching Michael filiburstering, or whatever it's called on behalf of the National Rifle Association. The head of Michael's Political Action Committee, runs a store called "Izzy's Uzis." That's real cute.

I married one of the accountants from Dunder Mifflin, actually. He always liked me, his name is Kevin? Kevin left Dunder-Mifflin, Dwight fired him, because Dwight's a little loopy. Kevin runs a bar now, and he always had kind of a crush on me, and I started dropping by after work, and he gave me Shirley Temples for free...

But Senator Scott, he was like a dad to me. Always listened. Well, he talks a lot, too. I grew up in foster homes, and I never felt, I dunno. But Michael was real nice. And so inspiring.

Once a long time back he promised to send a bunch of inner-city kids to college..."Scott's Tots" but he didn't quite save enough money, and I had to go with him to tell them. I think they-the kids took the bad news better than if someone like Dwight had told them, you know?

One or two of the kids asked Michael if they could work in the warehouse, and he said no, he didn't think they were educated enough. But he said it with a smile! And that's why I love Senator Michael Scott, he grins big!


	5. Chapter 5

THE SENATOR'S RIGHT HAND MAN

Yeah. It's true. Senator Scott and I have had kind of a long relationship. I was a temp at his paper company, and then I was his boss, and then I was a temp again. Kind of like the "Hotel California."

We lost touch, and then I was facing some charges for credit card fraud, but it wasn't fraud, really, I just designed my own Visa...the HowardCard, 'cause my name's Ryan Howard.

But Michael found me and helped get me out of the mess, and hired me for his staff. "Legislative Correspondent". It's kind of a cool title.

Yes, Kelly works here, too. She's kind of my girlfriend, but I keep moving on, she's too clingy, but when we separate too long, I find I need her in my life. She's good luck, but very annoying.

She also drives everyone in the Hart Building, that's in the Senate, crazy, since she's over forty, and can't type or anything else, behaves like she's seventeen, that's Kelly.

Yet, in a way, she's perfect for government. I don't really understand why Michael needs me, I write his speeches, he doesn't use them, I set up meetings, he forgets to come, and he keeps getting re-elected. I understand the issues, but Michael explains them so well, and yet, I don't really know if he knows what he's talking about.

I guess the Michael Scott lesson is, you don't have to work hard if you talk well. It's almost a waste that I have an M.B.A. Really, it is.

I'm thinking of actually leaving Michael's staff, and becoming a representative for "Izzy's Uzis". They have given Michael a lot of money, and although I've always been kind of appalled by the NRA people, Michael and Kelly are driving me a little batshit. But I never can get far away from either one of them...

I was a temp, like I said, then I thought I was free of Michael and Kelly when I was a Regional Director of Sales, and then I lost that, and Michael let me-begged me to come back and work as a temp again, and then I left again, wanted to escape Kelly, and of course I get a shitty job in a bowling alley, and Michael calls me again...and then there's Kelly, again.

I am going to make a success of myself at "Izzy's Uzis" and if it doesn't work out, I may use one of the Uzi's to finish off the matter once and for all. Wait, Michael's calling me now, I have to go give him the notes he won't read on the floor for the vote. Oh God.


	6. Chapter 6

FROM THE DESK OF KELLY (SOON TO BE) KAPOOR-HOWARD

Bananas, bananas, bananas! It's been great here. My fiancé is working now for Izzy's Uzi's, but he comes over here all the time to talk to Senator Scott (Michael and Ryan are so cute together) about the new bill for gun silencers, so the hunters won't lose their hearing. It's a disability issue, you know?

And it's not just the gun guys. Mr. Mariani, who lets me call him Sally, is CEO of the Dayton Waste Management Service, and even though he's in a different state, he apparently is a hunter too, and gave Senator Scott a BIG-time contribution!

I hope this means I get a raise. The pay is terrible here, and I have to work at Pierson & Simon-this grotesque little consignment shop-it's not what I was, you know, meant for.

I saw Monica Lewinsky on Bravo or something the other night. So sad. She still can't get a job, and she's kind of fat. What my dad used to call, "beer-keg ankles" My dad is Indian, but he picked up English real fast. He's very progressive, except about marriage...he made me marry an Indian doctor and break it off with Ryan, but then love won out and we got back together! But Monica doesn't make her charm work for her.

I began working for Senator Scott when he was regional manager of-no wait; Michael was still a salesman then. I had an affair with Ed Truck, the old regional manager, because my sister was his wife's manicurist?

Then Ed gave me a job at Dunder-Mifflin, customer sales, and then I had a fling with Todd Packer, and then both Todd and Ed's wives split on them, and they both dumped me. But I kept my job until I married the doctor.

And it was a good job! I got it for messing around with Ed, and then I got sick of only making seventeen a year, and got it up to forty by threatening to make some PHONE CALLS...Monica just didn't have that kind of confidence.

If I'd been with President Clinton, I would be Mrs. Clinton now, running for office, though that didn't go so well with her against President Trump, did it? He's cute, President Trump...so tall.


	7. Chapter 7

WILL I EVER UNDERSTAND MICHAEL?

Yeah. I'm flattered that you'd ask me about the uh, Senator. I was surprised when he was elected. I didn't even know Michael knew how to vote. But I guess it's whoever says what they have to say the loudest, right? I had a lot to say; after all, I was one of the jurors on the Scranton Strangler case, right?

And I have a bunch of degrees, I was in seminary, have an MSW, recently I got a creative writing certificate from Long Island University in Brooklyn.

I had hoped to break into writing here in New York, but except for doing a little copy for baseball cards, and a catalogue I edited for Neiman-Marcus, the public doesn't want to read what I have to say. So I'm an assistant manager at Duane Reade on 59th and Broadway.

But Michael-I'm not even sure he got out of grammar school, his spelling was abysmal. But he could sell anything. That's the only reason he kept his job.

And I heard him on C-Span the other night. Some Congressman from Minnesota was trying to get money for shelter-belts or something, and they sent Michael up there to filibuster, and all he had to do was talk until everyone was worn out, and the shelter-belt, whatever that is, wouldn't be funded.

And Michael did it. He talked for seven hours. He can do that, you know. He once auditioned for a play doing the entire-yes, a whole episode of "Law and Order".

And I watched Michael-I was trying not to call this woman I broke up with, so I watched Senator Scott talk about everything under the sun, while the liberal Senators were fuming, right? He talked about SpongeBob and UFOs, and the lack of good magic camps in the Pacific Northwest.

And that's all he ever did when he worked at Dunder Mifflin. He knew nothing about business; he just ran his mouth constantly. I worked my butt off there. Then I escaped to Costa Rica, but I had an accident and was in traction most of the time, and came back.

So how is everyone else in the office? Did you interview Pam Halpert? What about Nellie, the British woman who managed after Michael left? Are Jim and Pam Halpert still together? I guess you wouldn't know that. I had a real connection with Pam, but somehow she didn't understand.

I have to go. I have to be up by five-thirty am to inventory fabric softener at the store.


	8. Chapter 8

STILL HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT MIKE, BUT WHATEVER

Yeah. I used to be the foreman of the warehouse...the uh, Senator, used to come down there from where he was supposed to run the office, he couldn't just be happy doing HIS job, no, of course not. He'd come down and wreck the forklift, that kind of thing.

My life's way different now. I worked in sports promotion for a while, with Jim Halpert, and now I have my own line of Big and Tall stores. Just three of them, but you know...it's not bad. My daughter, Jada, runs one of the stores, and her husband does another one. I spend a lot of time with my grandsons, Jada's boys, Xavier and Xerxes. Zave and Zerk, they're a trip, man.

I couldn't seem to get ahead when I worked for Mike. I couldn't believe he was regional manager, and it's hard to believe he's a damn senator now. But you know, he has that charm. I took Zave and Zerk to DC and Mike gave them a tour of the Hart building in the Capitol, all that. They got a real kick out of him dancing around, getting loud.

Maybe that's all white people have to do to get by, right? I mean, Donald Trump, he's like Mike on speed. But I'll tell you this, if Mike ever makes President, Darryl and Zave and Zerk, we splitting for Canada man...if not Egypt.


	9. Chapter 9

DWIGHT IS SURPRISED, SORT OF

You're kidding me. Michael chose Ryan as his right-hand man in the Senate now? What a silly thing to do. Ryan. I couldn't help him, of course. I'm Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, it's responsible work.

I worked under Michael for about twelve years. I would've done anything for him. And I'm useful-I have to have my hands registered as deadly weapons at local police stations when Angela and the boy and I travel.

Fourth degree black belt. Sometimes the cops laugh at me-A sheriff in Boise, Idaho wet his pants laughing when I came to register my wrists...we were down there for a Persian cat club expo-Angela's thing-but I did my duty.

I've sent Michael several, really numerous e-mails and letters with counsel on the issues he really should pursue. But he's his own man. I thought it was very cruel when Al Franken made fun of Michael on C-Span. You have to present authority, and Michael is a bit wishy-washy. I am amazed sometimes that he ran the branch for so long, so few of his subordinates, his minions-they didn't respect him.

And I have a cousin in the Colorado militia-the one in Colorado Springs. They've gotten a lot of press from what I call Pravda-NBC.

And I told Michael that I could have Cousin Wolfgang get his troupe to endorse him, but Miss Gibbs, who preceded Ryan, I guess, wouldn't allow kind of leadership is that? I'd have Miss Gibbs horsewhipped, have Ryan horsewhipped. I may bring corporal punishment into the office. Michael spanked his errant nephew, who was interning here once though, and of course there was an unnecessary lawsuit. Such a shame.


	10. Chapter 10

AND BACK TO DARRYL

So Zave and Zerk have their brothers from another mother visiting-Ezekiel, Zachaus, Zebediah and half-sister Xenia.

I'm watching CNN with the kids, trying to teach Zave, Zerk, Zeke, Zack, Zeb and Zeeney a little bit of civics, right? And what happens? I see that President Donald the Idiot wants to name Senator Scott-a man so lost that he once wore lady pants to the office-as Associate Head of Homeland Security.

White people.


	11. Chapter 11

Jesus. Michael doesn't understand that if he takes the money from the guy at Cossett, Porlock, & Kinosling, he can't really work with Paxton & Moffatt or the United Lumberyard Association. He loves the attention, but he really is um, mystified by lobbying.

But he's having a good time, I guess. I gotta hide his dribble glass before Mitch McConnell comes by.


	12. Chapter 12

PAST IMPERFECT?

That's right. I am in charge of Alexandria-Occasio-Cortez's PR, and I will say I'm good at it.

I probably wouldn't have gotten the gig if Alexandria's protoge from the Big Sister program and my daughter hadn't been taking Anger Management together (there was an episode at their middle school) but I'm glad we were of use to each other.

So Alex and I are walking through the Hart Building together, so glad John Glenn isn't there anymore, I had a thing with him at a Science Expo once-and who do I see, but Michael Scott!

And, does he introduce me to his staff as an old paramour, or as his mentor in the paper game? Oh no. The junior Senator from Colorado takes one look at me, and begins making anguished comments because, yes, I removed my breast implants.

I got them for Michael, and I probably should have sent them to him after the breakup. His obsession with them was so juvenile.

Actually, I kept part of them. I am now a 36 C. They help in negotiating with the flawed sex, if you know what I mean.

I was so humiliated when he began hopping around and talking about how he used to "motorboat" me.

It was mildly gratifying when Michael tried to hug Alex and she kneed him in the groin. I will say that.

Does it compensate for his distracting me into being fired by Dunder-Mifflin, or how he sabatoged my 4 million dollar wrongful termination suit? No. But it felt good, Alexandria is such an energetic girl, and she took kickboxing in Brooklyn.

It felt almost as good as when I threw the Dundie trophy-thing at Michael's plasma TV, back in 2011.

Memory, sometimes, is therapeutic.


End file.
